It’s Tuesday morning and I’m taking Faye to Waimea for school. As I drive, I recognize I’m in a black hole, a funk, and I have to get out. I’ve been uneasy for days, but it’s escalated, or should I say, deepened.
Part of the cause was reading the Hunger Games trilogy after I watched the first two movies with my family last week. The movies upset me, but I couldn’t let the story hang. I forced my way through all three books in three days. Big mistake – that kind of reading marathon always leaves me feeling hung-over from lack of enough sleep. But it was the content that disturbed me; so dark, gory, terrifying; so inhumane. What did my daughters and husband see in it? Why on earth would authors and publishers target young people with this kind of horror? It left me cold and hollow.
The other part of my hole was the departure of Jade after her spring break. It’s so hard to say goodbye – no easier this time than when I accompanied her to campus last fall. I miss her and the family fun we all took time to enjoy when she was home.
After dropping Faye off, I intended to volunteer at St. James Thrift Shop; I’ve only been back there once since I met Ellen, a homeless woman, about seven weeks ago. But I drive right past, feeling both guilt for skipping it and relief as I realize the last time I felt this bad was that event.
If I can just articulate my feelings and thoughts, I might be able to shake them. I had a friend tell me once that she knitted her way out of a depression. So this morning I resolve to write myself out of this hole. In a mental fog, I drive into the parking lot at Starbuck’s; better to write here than at home where a hundred tasks call to me. I bring the coffee cup that I drained on the way to Waimea into the shop with me. My angel cup — I had specifically picked it this morning. It says “Good morning, God is handling all your problems, so relax and enjoy your day.” I try to take that advice every day, but I especially need it today.
I see an empty chair, one of the only two comfy chairs remaining since they remodeled. “Thank You, God!” I take my computer out of my bag and settle down with my coffee and pastry. These small emotional comforts cocoon me, and I’m already feeling a bit better.
So I begin to write, acknowledging that I’m in a black hole. Now what?
I remember my friends talking last week about the new moon we experienced last night as a time of new beginnings. It’s an auspicious time to set intentions for a change. On top of that, this new moon is a black moon. Like the blue moon which is the second full moon in a month, there’s a special significance attached to the black moon, the second new moon in a month.
The black moon is a more powerful time for personal shifts and new beginnings. So I decide to claim it: “With this black moon, I hereby set the intention to abandon my black hole.” Stated positively, “I hereby intend to use my transformation tools to reboot and rebound back to my abundant life.” These tools are old friends: Be grateful, Be present, Choose your attitude, Create accountability, Decide and take action, Pray, Trust – Ask – Accept with Gratitude; there are many others. And so I begin.
Dear God, I am grateful for my blessings, large and small, especially my family. I choose to be present to my desire for change and leave my disquiet behind because I know that wallowing in it only creates more of it. I choose to examine this sorrow, take action on what is useful to me, and discard the rest. So rather than mourning Jade’s departure, I choose to remember that she will be with us on summer break in ten short weeks. From now on, I’ll read only books that expand and inspire me, not depress me. Today I will go to the library and find something positive to read.
I choose a renewed attitude of possibility, hope and abundance. I create accountability by making public my intentions to claim this new beginning.
I trust that You hear me; I ask for Your help in lifting me out of this black hole, and I accept Your help with gratitude. I will pay it forward with a donation to Salvation Army.
This is my prayer. Amen.
I finish my coffee and shut my computer feeling better already: lighter and full of relief. I decide to use one more tool before I head for my second stop today, and the reason I have my computer along. This tool is “other oriented” — Make their day. I buy a medium latte at 120°F for Shaun; it’s just the way he likes it. He’s made my day so often, answering my technical questions and fixing my computer problems. Just a little something for the Wiz in Waimea at Falcon Computers.
I’m smiling and feeling happier. There’s a slight spring in my step. I’m on my way.
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